Yesterday I canceled my Amazon Prime subscription. I didn’t even have clear reasons for doing so other than I was on the Reddit hate-train over Amazon as a company. A spur of the moment and rash decision that I’m mildly regretting now but know I won’t even think about it when Prime does expire in April. Whatever. It’s something you adapt to over a few weeks and you probably won’t even notice the supposed “inconvenience” after that. After all, my life was just fine for over three decades without Amazon Prime.
So in a desperate effort to conformation-bias my actions with justifications that this was totally the right thing to do and not driven by passion, let’s bitch about Amazon Prime for a little bit.
Record Earnings…and Price Hikes!
One thing noted by the Hateful Redditors was that Amazon had just reported their earnings for the year. Anyways, we’re talking massive numbers like $137 billion in revenue and $14.3 billion in profit. Profit. Pure fucking profit! No one should be surprised by this – it’s Amazon and they print money – but these numbers are totally impossible to comprehend by the average person. Basically in layman’s terms this is a bunch of fucking money.
Another thing announced: the subscription price for Amazon Prime would be increasing $20 to $139/year, around a 16% increase. I understand the reason behind the price hike – inflation, investing in more products, expanding Amazon Prime’s offerings, etc. – but really, fuck off Amazon. It’s mildly insulting to announce the massive profits you just raked in and follow that up by charging more for Prime. Does anyone care about customers anymore? Did they ever? Would it be so bad for them to lower the subscription price, even just $5 or $10, as a thank you to their customers. Say something like, “Hey guys, we made a bunch of money so we won’t charge you as much. Thanks for being loyal to us!” It’s what I’d do if I was Amazon, but I’m not Amazon.
Of course this won’t happen because capitalism and all of that. The shareholders need their money, and $AMZN is up like 15% today. I don’t think myself or others like me cancelling will make a dent in their subscribers count (and here’s an article with Amazon basically saying, “Lol, no one cancels Prime so we can raise the price! And the monthly subscribers also don’t give a shit they’re paying $180 a year!”)
Fuck Amazon as a Company
Amazon kinda sucks. It’s widely known they treat their employees like shit, and word around Reddit (take that for what it’s worth) is that Amazon is being flooded by cheap Chinese knockoff products. You also have that pompous fuck Jeff Bezos, while not affiliated with Amazon anymore, is still the de-facto face of the company. Did y’all hear about how they might remove a whole-ass bridge in Europe so his new superyacht can get through? It sounds like an Onion article, but it isn’t.
Amazon is the perfect example, along with
I currently have three Amazon packages being shipped to my house. I feel bad and hypocritical about that, but it’s so convenient! It almost seems wrong how convenient it is to drop thousands of dollars on your phone clicking buttons; shouldn’t spending that much money be difficult?, and I hate how easy it all is. It’s almost like I’m mildly addicted to my periodic Amazon shopping sprees. Obviously you can see how there’s some dissonance in my head about the previous two paragraphs and my actions. Eventually you should act in a way that resembles your beliefs and if I’m saying ‘Fuck Amazon” and hate them as a company, well, maybe I should limit how much money I give them. And Prime is a good place to start.
Do I Even Use It?
In my pre-Prime days I’d make “Amazon shopping lists” and only order when I had plenty of items lined up. By ordering in bulk you’re almost guaranteeing your order will be over $50 (I think?) and you’ll qualify for free shipping. And let’s be honest, $50 is an easy hurdle to pass. There were times where I’d ordered a box of ramen just to kick the price over $50 to get free shipping. Free shipping is free shipping and does it matter if it comes from Prime or just cheesing the system a bit?
And being honest, that was the main selling point for me: free shipping. Even at $140 a year, about $11.50 per month, it’s a decent deal. If you regularly order lower-priced items you’d be forking out a ton for shipping and saving a bunch with Prime. But that’s a big if and it isn’t very hard to get free shipping anyways if you change a few of your habits. I can easily adapt to that part.
I think there’s also “2-day shipping” or something, but if I’m anything besides cheap I’m also patient. There’s no reason I can’t wait a week or two to get something I’ve ordered. Another thing that’s easy to work around; if you’re buying for a birthday/holiday or anything else with a deadline, just don’t fucking procrastinate. Oftentimes, due to the efficiencies of our shipping systems, ground packages that aren’t rushed at all can show up in three or four days anyways. Like shit, my package will get here when it gets here and I’m fine with that. If I need something now I’ll go to the store and fucking buy it.
And what else? Amazon Music? No thanks; I have Spotify (Insert big rant about Spotify/Joe Rogan here) and I love it. Audible? Huh? Amazon
TV Video or whatever it’s called? Let’s make another section about that one.
Prime Video is one of our…three (?) subscription services along with Disney+ and Netflix. The kids love Disney+ and everyone else frequently watches Netflix. Amazon Prime Video is just kinda…there.
There could be a whole rant here about the inevitable creep of streaming services – things were cool when there was one or two of the damn things – but since everyone has their own service with their own shows, to watch everything you need to have a bunch of them. These costs will add up to where we’re all going to be playing regular cable prices and having the same damn thing as cable, just with streaming. Like we’ll be back to where we started, the very thing that streaming was supposed to replace, cable, will be just like cable.
Cutting down our already paltry streaming services has been on the back of my mind for the past year just out of principle – how much shit do we need to really watch? – and Prime Video would naturally be the first thing to get cut. Thanks to this price increase I have the perfect reason to commit to it. Netflix and Disney+ can stay for now and we’ll see how not having Prime Video works out for us. I think we’ll be fine. The only downside is I won’t be able to watch season 2 of The Wheel of Time. Oh no!
Also, you have to pay for a bunch of the movies on Prime to watch them anyways. Like what’s the fucking point if I still have to pay for shit? Aren’t I already paying the subscription fee? And can’t I just buy the movies without Prime anyways?
The Cancellation Process
Canceling Prime reminded me of canceling Facebook; it’s a fucking hassle and this only made me want to cancel it more. It was like Amazon was begging me to not cancel. It was kind of pathetic, like some desperate dude begging a girl to go out with him because he’s a nice guy and offers so much. “We don’t have to be dating – you don’t have to see me for a month or so – but I’m a good guy! We can just leave it up to you, if you want to go see a movie or go grab some food with me, just let me know. I’ll be here. Are you sure you don’t want to talk anymore?!”
Seriously, there were like four or five screens where you had to click, “Continue to cancel Prime” before it actually let you. They recapped all the cool shit you get with Prime, then told you you can pause the subscription at any time you want, or maybe you can go with the monthly plan so you don’t have to pay all at once, and are you really really really really sure you want to cancel?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Yes, you fucking toxic-ass person: I do not want to see you again. I do not want to talk to you again. I’m done. Just get it through your stupid skull that I’m fucking done and all you’re doing is making yourself look pathetic now. You’re begging. Begging? Really? Oh now you’re crying. Please don’t do that. Get off the ground, you’re making this awkward for both of us. And everyone is looking at us now! Jesus, please fucking stop kissing my shoes; you’re getting snot and tears all over them! You’re not even a person, you’re a subscription service!
I don’t know. If they toss me a free subscription for a month I might take it back up, especially around Christmas. I really like that idea. I can milk the company for all their free shipping and shitty TV is worth and drop them like I was using them the whole time, because I was, and feel delightful about it all.
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