2021 In Closing

Have I complained about New Year’s yet? I’m sure I have but let’s do it again. January 1st is a totally arbitrary day, and isn’t notable besides being the day we use to officially start the new year. It’s not the shortest day of the year, isn’t the longest, it isn’t anything. It’s not even when the earth is closest (or farthest) away from the sun. Making this even more maddening is the fact that the winter solstice — the shortest day in the year for us northern hemispheric master race people — is around December 21. Why can’t this be the start of the new year? And Earth’s perihelion — the closest Earth comes to the sun — is January 4 this year; why can’t this be the new year? These days, solstices, equinoxes, and perihelion/aphelion, seem more official and “real” than the arbitrary date of January 1.

Not like this will ever change and I should just get over it. Why didn’t the Romans, the guys who basically made our current calendar, know this shit and make their calendar decent? Idiot-ass Romans. Yeah, I really should get over it.

A Year of Nothing

I kinda like doing these yearly recaps. As arbitrary as Jan 1 is, it is nice to ‘refresh’ yourself at the start of the new year. Take some time and get your bearings. See how the last year went and plot a course for the next. I usually do this in a private .doc, but if I put it here then I have a new blog post to show for it. And I’ll take it.

Nothing seemed to happen this year. Covid continued to be a thing, I kept going to therapy, and made some progress against my personal demons anxiety and depression. They’re manageable and most days I’m pretty comfy and functional. I still don’t seem to have that ever-present joy and love for life that some people I know have, but progress is progress.

I still have no clue what I want to do with my life. Rack up another year of nothing on that front. Still 35 and still clueless and unguided. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself is that any progress I do make is slow. Like really slow. Take for example my Associates Degree. Most people knock this out right after high school and have one by the time they’re 19 or 20. Me? 28. Like I did it but damn it took me forever. And most people seem to be well established in careers while I’m working the same job I’ve had since 20.

Maybe my perception of “most people” is off and maybe I should stop comparing myself to “most people.” About the only thing you have to go from is whatever people spam on social media, and no one shows you the negative aspects of their lives. This is one of the prime reasons to stay away from social media, or at least keep it on a tight leash. This is more for me than for anyone else: Other people are not you so stop comparing yourself to them. Idiot. If you were a doctor/lawyer you’d hate your life anyways. Moron.

I’m getting more comfortable with myself. I wouldn’t say I love who I am just yet, but I find myself a cooler person that I did a few years ago. Maybe my directionlessness is a gift in some way. Maybe it’s okay to not want to settle down and pigeonhole yourself into a dedicated career. Maybe the fact that I’m so curious about everything where idea of specializing for years in college on one narrow niche sounds awful is a good thing. Now if only I could actually convince myself that there is some good in it, I’d be well on my way to happiness. And maybe there’s some good in my glacial-pace of personal progress and growth if only I could pinpoint what it actually is.

Sobriety

The most notable progress from 2021 is my sobriety. I haven’t had a drink since May (I think) so who knows how many days that actually is. 250? 300? Something like that.

Strangely it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal. I’ve distanced myself from alcoholism that I forgot what the problem was. I vaguely remember feeling like shit every morning, being on edge in the evening, and having my mood be all over the place, but the memories have dulled with time. Luckily, the vague memories are clear enough, they leave such a nasty taste in my mouth, that I don’t have any want or need to return back to alcohol. Things were bad and wrong and it wasn’t a good way to live life.

But it’s a tradeoff as with anything. I’ve said before that my life isn’t solved by not drinking, just that I’m able to solve my issues now. Or at least I’m more capable than I was a year ago even if the issues are stupidly hard to work around.

I’m starting to think the theme of this post is “Progress is Progress.”

2022?

No resolutions for the upcoming year. They always seem to fall apart anyways. If anything I’m thinking about a “theme” for the next year. Something along the lines of “Be present” or something. Just go full-on Zen Buddhism with the whole year.

When you get down to it life is pretty damn cool in the present. I’m sitting here typing and while I hate to start writing once I get the computer open and actually get to cracking away at it, it’s great. I love writing if I’m being honest. Sure I think I suck and that takes some enjoyment away from it, but doesn’t everyone other than the most narcissistic personalities think they suck at everything they do?

I look out the window and it’s stupidly warm for this time of year, 40s or 50s I think. While climate change is fucking everything up, it is nice outside. The sun is finally peeking through the clouds and it’s not as windy as it was yesterday. And you know what? It’s pretty fucking nice, like all of it. I’m happy and chill right now. That’s my theme for 2022: Live in the present and realize how chill life can be if you allow it to be that way. Quit feeling like trash over the past or stressing about the future. Just be here. Have a Happy New Year!

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