Sometimes I get close to giving up on this blog. I’m pretty good at fighting off the underlying nihilism but something the “what’s the point of this?” really comes through with blogging. There’s no end goal. There’s no point. Sure I can get on here and complain, but I can do that in my own private Google Doc. No need to involve anyone if I’m not saying anything productive.
Even if I do only put a few hours into the blog a week sometimes it feels like it’s still too much. Consider work is picking up this time of year and my ever-waning motivation seems to be perpetually near zero. A steady supply of caffeine doesn’t seem to do anything anymore. I drank about 700 mgs at work a few days ago and awful. Miserable, jittery, sleepy, and feeling like I was in some strange waking dream. That’s not how caffeine is supposed to work.
Thanksgiving always yields a few text messages from distant family members that I never talk to. “Happy Thanksgiving” from Uncle Scott today, among others. The last ‘conversation’ was from July 6th where he simply told me to have my dad call him. I haven’t replied yet because telling him (or anyone else) Happy Thanksgiving seems…eh. I don’t talk to him the rest of the year so texting him today seems fake as fuck. I do wish him a happy Thanksgiving but actually saying that seems to miss the point of our non-existent relationship outside of having similar DNA.
The work GroupMe chat is somehow blowing up with people wishing each other Happy Thanksgiving and I’m tossing around likes like I’m actually in a happy and celebratory mood today. It’s more to lend my support to the nice people commenting than to actually partake in the happy thanksgiving wishes. The major appeal to the shift I work at UPS is that we really are like a big extended family. The analogy goes further; some people are really like family members who I love, but others are stupid jackasses that I really don’t like but deal with out of kindness and keeping things peaceful. Think of the Drunken Uncle rambling about something he saw on Facebook, not at the dinner table but at work. All you need is tons of alcohol and you really would have the typical Thanksgiving gathering.
One of these friends/extended family members lost his grandpa yesterday. What a great time of year to lose a loved one. I sent him a text offering support and well-wishes, and it seems like it was well received. We have a very casual friendship and never talk about anything deep at all. Hopefully my text, by actually having some rare heartfelt feelings behind it, will have more meaning behind it because of this; I really do wish him well. He’s such a happy-go-lucky, positive guy and you can tell he’s taking it hard. Sure, I lost my grandma a few months ago, but I feel like I’m so dead to the world most of the time that I didn’t feel much at all. This guy still has life in him, and I hope his loss doesn’t drain him too much.
Another friend has a dad in the hospital with COVID. Urgh, no one should be dealing with this around Thanksgiving. It’s just the universe being cruel.
It’s hard to truly be thankful on Thanksgiving when you’re living in lower/middle class America. I probably say this every year. Sure, we all have it comfy enough just by where we live — most of us aren’t homeless or starving — but life itself isn’t exactly easy. Healthcare is a joke. Everyone’s mental health seems to be in a constant downtrend. Inflation is picking up to ridiculous levels. COVID is still a thing. The house is still dirty and the dishes still need to be done. But you have your health and your family! True, but the human brain loves to focus on the negatives. It’s hard to notice the good when you have so much bad you can worry about.
For some reason I feel pretty depressed today. I’d say a 2 or a 3/10 on the happiness scale. And I don’t know why. Maybe I’m feeling too much for the friends going through some shit. I feel lonely even if I’m surrounded by people who love me and who I love. I feel tired despite the five cups of coffee I drank earlier. I feel useless. I feel aimless. I feel like I want to go to bed but I’ve only been awake for seven hours. What else is there to do? Play Stardew Valley for another few hours? Try to read? Do some art? Write a story? Write this? Write in the journal Doc? Listen to music? I don’t know. I’ll probably binge-watch YouTube videos or something.
Well, I think that’s it. I hope you guys have a Happy Thanksgiving. Really.
Instagram: where I post pointless
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