Getting Help Sucks

Last week I decided that I should probably go see a therapist. For most of the week and for various reasons I felt as though I was on the verge of a total mental meltdown. It was especially terrible while at work with me nearly going home early because I couldn’t deal with being there. I was antsy, jittery, and my body had sort of a nervous hum to it, like the hum of a fluorescent light bulb if that makes sense. I was shaking and bzzzzzz constantly. Just a total feeling of being on edge and ready to lose it all. My mind was in overdrive thinking (mostly worrying) about a wide range of things where it was impossible to not think about them. I was utterly depressed. I felt lonely. I felt hopeless. I felt like a loser, like everyone probably hated me and only dealt with me to be nice. Despite me knowing that I was overreacting, it’s hard to get yourself to actually internalize it. I knew I was being fearful, scared, and irrational with no way to actually think rationally about things.

It was in this rare mental state that something snapped and I realized something obvious but difficult to admit: I was not happy. Life was not enjoyable. Like at all. Something was not working. I felt on the precipice of something very dark and scary. My drinking had picked up again. I was anxious and terrified of everything. Day after day was a struggle against the dread of existing. And that probably isn’t how a person is supposed to feel. Certainly isn’t how a person is supposed to feel. I admitted to myself that I needed to go see someone about my mental state.

So how did that go? Well, I don’t know. I still haven’t went because getting help fucking sucks.

You’d think the main difficulty in actually getting help is admitting that you need or want help, but this is only the initial part of the challenge. Once you finally admit that you need help, you actually need to find someone. And holy hell is that another shitty adventure all on its own.

The fact is that mental health issues are still stigmatized in the United States (maybe the world, I don’t know) and it’s very difficult to find someone you can open up to between family and friends. After you admit you want to find help, it greatly helps if you have a support system who can support your choice to find someone. I think I’m pretty lucky in regards to having friends and family to talk to, but other people? It’s terrifying to put myself in someone else’s place who has no support. If a person like that did admit they needed help, there isn’t anyone to support them along the way. Finding help is solely on them, and that is terrifying. Everyone needs a support system.

So knowing that you want help, now what? You find someone to go see. How do you do that? Once again it’s up to you to do most of the work. There are no mental health “general practitioners” to go see, no one to recommend you to someone, you have to find them your own. And mental health is different from general health. If you have a physical problem any doctor should be able to help, or at least point you in the right direction to someone who can help, but with mental health? It seems there needs to be a good relationship between therapist and patient and sometimes people just do not bond or feel comfortable with others, even if there is no outward reason to feel so. I guess I’m trying to say finding someone for mental health issues isn’t as easy as going to your insurances’ provider finder, typing in your address, and going to the first place you find. You need to do research and research is not something the depressive person is actually up to doing.

One of my friends directed me to You can search for therapists/counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists in your area. (What are the differences? More on that shortly) This helped a ton as you can still search by insurance providers and you can read their profiles/treatment techniques/see what their specialized in, but there were still too many to choose from! I didn’t want to start limiting my choices based on stupid shit like how friendly they look or if they’re young or old. It seems like I could miss a good person to go see by using such pointless criteria. And once again a person in this mindset probably isn’t the best at taking the initiative or being motivated to continue the search.

And there’s always the question about who exactly I should go see. Therapists and counselors are kinda the same thing (I think. But one has more schooling? I don’t know.) while psychologists have more schooling or something. I think the psychologists are meant for people who have more clinical disorders who might need specific treatments. And psychiatrists? Apparently they can prescribe medicine. (Also, let’s not forget the fact that psychologists and psychiatrists are both spelled similarly and are equally difficult to type. The psych- is so fucking clunky to type out, try it for yourself. Every time I write one of those I get a big, squiggly red line under it.) I don’t really know and if anyone wants to clear these distinctions up feel free to correct me in the comments. I don’t know if my case is serious enough to require a psychiatrist or if I just need someone to talk to, like a therapist. Being depressed means you don’t fucking know. So if I don’t know, how am I going to know who to see? I’m just trying to stress again that a person in a depressed state probably doesn’t want to research the intricacies and differences between certain mental health professional’s titles, schooling, and specialties. It’s daunting at a time you don’t want to face anything daunting.

I think that’s about it (so far). I feel that admitting you have a mental health problem should be the primary key to finding assistance. It should be your ticket to freedom, sort of like a call to 911 in a medical emergency is enough to get help. The emergency room doesn’t require you to select a pulmonologist or a cardiologist because they figure out what is wrong with you and find a person to treat you. With mental health? Nope. It’s up to you to find someone even though you’re as confused as you could ever be. You need to go through a mostly bullshit, confusing, and complex process mostly by yourself to actually find someone to see. It’s a pain in the ass even if you weren’t in a shitty mental state, and being in one only makes things harder.

We have a ton of work to do in the US and probably the world at large in regards to mental health. I’m almost certain that a massive amount of people quietly go about their lives abusing drugs or whatever or hiding behind hobbies, entertainment, and other things to keep busy so they don’t break down. Putting on a mask and struggling in silence. Like everyone is dealing with something and even if some look like they’re fine many might be close to their breaking points without showing any outward signs of it. There is no clear way to get help, no clear way to talk about how you feel or to be open about it, and maybe people turn to suicide as a way to ask for help because mental health is so stigmatized. If you do admit to get help, good job on you. Congratulations, it’s probably the hardest thing to admit! Hang in there. But it’s still going to be a pain in the ass finding someone to go see.


10 responses to “Getting Help Sucks”

  1. This is Life Avatar
    This is Life

    It may be that the therapist you have and yourself are not a good match. That has happened to me in the past. It takes time and every day is going to be some pain and some happiness along the way. If you don’t get help you can wind up losing everything. A marriage, children, employment, and a whole hell of a lot more. Just see if the therapist is a good match and if not move on and find another one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      Yeah, at worst it seems to be a trail and error process, and I’m probably worrying too much about it. It’s not like the initial therapist will be a terrible person, just possibly not a fit for me. And if that happens I can find someone else. It’s obvious that it’s better to give it a shot than to be discouraged and give up.


  2. Em Avatar

    Yup, it’s a total pain in the ass. I made call after call looking for my therapist. And I was rejected by counsellor after therapist after psychologist (yes, that word is hard to type). But, if you’ve come to the conclusion that you need some outside help, then you should probably pursue that, even if depression makes it so very hard to pull the trigger on action, at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      I didn’t even know you could be rejected by a therapist or a counselor! Geez. That sets my anxiety off to a whole new level.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Em Avatar

        Yeah, it’s not a real self-esteem booster.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. ceponatia Avatar

    Therapists are better educated than counselors and psychiatrists are basically only the clinical arm of the practice. You usually only see a psychiatrist once a month or even less to get medication and check up on it. They’re not really there to listen to your problems and offer advice unless you’re wealthy and can afford to talk to a psychiatrist every week (I certainly can’t).

    Usually on sites like that they’ll list what the psychiatrist specializes in like addiction therapy, trauma, etc. Just pick one that’s convenient for you and you think you’d match with (if you don’t see yourself opening up to a man, don’t choose a male therapist for example).

    Do try it, though, and try not to be anxious about it. Your first appointment is very easy and usually just to get to know you, they’re not going to be diving into your childhood or trying to make you cry, lol. It’s a relationship just like any other relationship and it’ll take many sessions for you to start spilling the real stuff that is causing your problems. That’s normal. I have been seeing my therapist for over a year and there’s still some stuff I’m afraid to tell him (the really dark, “I should be in jail” stuff).

    However if you do really feel like you’re on the verge of a psychotic break (which you don’t sound like you do but just saying), tell them and they’ll get you to see a psychiatrist quickly. Most therapists have psychiatrists they work closely with and will be able to get you in within a few days.

    Good luck! Taking care of yourself is hard but that’s one of the important lessons we all have to learn when we’re growing up. Took me until I was almost 40 to learn that nobody is going to solve my problems for me. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      My possible psychotic break would’ve occurred last Wednesday or Thursday which kinda explains the lack of posts. I slapped this post together in a better frame of mind but I’m trying to not let my current mood lure me into a false sense of security. Nope, not again.

      And thanks for plopping down a good bit of information of what these people actually do. I sort of had a vague idea, but it’s nice to hear from someone who knows what they’re talking about. My main issue now is narrowing down my list of ten possible people down to one or two and start calling. And of course this week is stupidly busy, maybe I can get around to that tomorrow?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ceponatia Avatar

        Yup sounds like you have a handle on what you should do! Just remember that if you see a therapist and you don’t mesh with them, try another one. Don’t give up or stop going just because of one.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. livingwithdepression Avatar

    I can relate so hard! I just went through this a few months ago. There are so many different types of doctors and no one is one size fits all. Also getting an appointment is ridiculous. Everywhere needs at least 2 months to get in to see someone. By then some people made have already attempted their lives. 😦 The US has many leaps and bounds to go. Not to mention some insurance carriers don’t even cover mental health or it costs and arm and a leg. The co pay should be the same for mental health that it is to see a general doctor. Just because you can’t see someone’s pain doesn’t mean it isn’t there or is any less important.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      Sorry it took nearly a month for me to reply to this; a common theme with my writing is that I’m a major slacker so I guess it makes sense.

      In a way I think mental illness is equally if not more important because it is hidden and can degrade the quality of life to almost nothing. While tons of people might be supportive if they knew, some are fantastic at hiding their suffering. I sometimes wonder how many among the happy and smiling people I see in public and at work are dealing with depression. If it was more visible or obvious there’d probably be more done about it.


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