Let’s talk about anxiety some more. I don’t think I talk enough about anxiety at this blog. This week has sucked. I’m soaked in anxiety and it’s as good of a time as any to write some more about the topic. Maybe this time I can think of something useful to say about it for once.
One of our supervisors, B (we actually do call him B, BTW), was promoted. This leaves an opening in one of the three supervisor positions on my shift. Whatever, change sucks, but I’m used to it. Supervisors come and go at UPS just like the inevitable change in seasons, and sometimes with the same frequency so it’s not a…
“Jerm, are you interested in the supervisor position when B leaves?”
Instant flashback to what I said five months earlier to the Big Boss of my shift: “Next time there’s a supervisor opening, I’ll do it. Hold me to it — I’ll probably try to chicken out of it — but yeah, I’ll fuckin’ do it.”
Holy hell, my anxiety shot up to 11 from that simple question. How was I caught off-guard anyways? I knew he interviewed last week but even my overthinking didn’t catch the possibility that he could actually leave and I might actually have to follow through on some shit I promised a long time ago. His last day is today, Friday the 29th, and am I really going to be a supervisor as early as Monday? That isn’t any time to prepare myself mentally!
There’s another guy at work interested in B’s position. I’m sure I’ve mentioned him before: the guy who has no depression or anxiety. No substance issues, no neurotic personality traits, no ‘type D’ qualifications: a well-rounded sort of guy (outside of his burgeoning gambling addiction, of course). I asked him if he was anxious at all about taking the supervisor job, and he says, “Nah. It sounds like it’d be fun,” then shrugged and went back to checking his
Shiba Inu cryptocurrency Shibecoin “investment” on his phone.
I then went on a five-minute rant to him about how terrifying it all is and how it’s probably a bad choice for me to make but maybe it’s a good choice and I’m just looking for reasons to not better myself or do anything different and wasn’t I just bitching about how my soul feels stagnant at work but I really do want to be safe and do the same boring thing I’ve been doing all these years and that’s just me looking for an excuse to bow out and be a failure, never live up to any potential I have (I don’t have potential for anything but isn’t that Imposter Syndrome or something?) and I should probably take the job but what if I suck at it? It’s not that easy; things won’t just work out, something can and will go wrong. What if I get fired or my employees hate me or I can’t get anyone to do any work and maybe I should just give up right now. I’m not cut out for it really — I’m a coward — maybe I should just embrace the cowardice and tell them a big ‘no thanks, I’m not interested. Maybe next time though. I’m just not at that point in my life yet but we’ll see what happens.’ But cowardice is my MO and maybe it’s high-time I try to change that? I’m thirty-five after all and maybe that’s too old to try anything new but no that sounds like some boomer-shit and…and…!
Alex stares at me because his brain isn’t wired to understand what I’m saying at all. He’s as confused by me as I am by his Unshakeable Positivity.
Christ, even writing all of that out leaves me feeling exhausted, like my brain was just tossed in a blender. The two-day weekend doesn’t sound nearly long enough. Can I have a week away from everything please? And how a drink sounds good — just a six-pack is fine right? — but nah, let’s stay the course.
It’s not all bad though. The past month I’ve been feeling really aware of myself, my tendencies, and how my mind somehow knee-caps the higher part of my brain into doing it’s bidding, usually in the name of ‘safety’ or ‘fear’ or ‘cowardice.’ My mind is a sneaky, self-corrupting bastard; it loves to bring me down and then wonder why the hell it’s so miserable all the time. But I’m aware of it, and when you’re aware of something you can take actions to change things. By living in sheer crippling anxiety for the past week I’d like to think I’m getting pretty fucking good at dealing with it (I’m still sober so fuck off alcohol). It hasn’t went away completely — it’s always there — but I can acknowledge it and work with it.
The whole “say something useful” about anxiety thing was supposed to be a list of protips to deal with anxiety from someone who is obviously a severely anxious person; if I can do it anyone can! This was meant to be a lengthy introduction into that more useful part of this post, but this is long enough and it’s already a last-minute project thanks to STRESS AND ANXIETY. Maybe I just needed to get all of that off my chest before I could get back to my blogging schedule. I’m still working on it — it’s nearly finished — and I promise I’ll post that tomorrow. I underlined it so it’s true.
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