Tag Archives: Zelda

Birthdays Suck: Part One

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Note: I was in a strange mood when I wrote this; namely I was sleep-deprived and fairly drunk. So it’s a bit different from my most posts that are a bit more “thoughtful.” In fact this post seems to just be a trainwreck of bitching. But in the spirit of just doing whatever the hell I want though, I’ll post it anyways.

To start this post off let me state that I’m typing this on my phone. Yeah. I’m typing this on a Samsung Galaxy S7. Why? you might ask. Well, it isn’t because I feel like doing it, that’s for sure. I’ve written a few blog posts on my phone when I’ve been struck by inspiration and unable to make it to my laptop, but I always sit down, get comfy and in the zone to edit and post them from a real electronic device meant for doing work. Ya know, a proper keyboard and sometimes a USB mouse if I really need to get shit done. Working on a phone isn’t a choice here though: it’s a necessity. Hell, I don’t even know if I’ll make it to posting this from my phone/tablet. But we’ll see. If you read this on June 23 or the 24 I probably persevered and posted it totally from Android products. But I wasn’t happy about it that’s for sure. 

(Spoiler: My computer did start working so I am editing this on a proper device. But the original draft was written on a shitty S7.)

What led to this was my son (a two-year-old) spilled one of my birthday-beers all over my laptop. This didn’t seem to be a problem at first as it still typed okay but after about 20 minutes the keyboard ceased to work at all. This sort of spurred me on with this blog post because I wanted to write about how shitty birthdays are and as the actual day went on I just got more and more fuel to dump on the fire so to say. This event was the final “holy fuck birthdays do suck” event and solidified my will to write a post about it. So to android it was even though I fucking hate typing something on a phone while plopped down on a goddamn couch.

What started the idea of a birthday sucks post was basically me whining and bitching to a coworker a few hours before my birthday actually began. I’ll cover it in a little bit a separate post but it was basically the typical stuff I cry about most of the time: the arbitrariness of how we measure time, how as you age it makes birthdays sucks even more, the (useless) self-reflection that comes with the day, all mixed in with some fairly moderate self-loathing. Some of these themes are already featured on my New Years’ post and my Daylight Savings post. What was a surprise was the fact that I didn’t even have to make it to my birthday for things to start falling apart.

The downward trend started when I was told I needed to take one of the kids to Drive-Right (a driver training school in case they have a different name in your area) at 9 a.m. My birthday was on a Saturday so it should’ve been a relatively carefree day: no school, no work, no doctor appointments, no dentist appointments. There was no reason to have to worry about anything! It’s Saturday after all. This early job of mine kinda threw me off before I even went to bed. I famously need my sleep and anything less than 10 hours fucking destroys me. I also can’t fall asleep unless I lay in bed for 3 or 4 hours. Realistically I think I’m a cat or something. I’ve tried my damndest to change these habits but they seem to be as a belligerent part of me as my DNA is. Me trying to wake up early is like me trying to be taller or something.

What happened around 2 or 3 a.m. was the dread that I wouldn’t get enough sleep. I’d eventually fall asleep and instantly be awakened by an alarm, miserable, tired, and groggy at 8 a.m. or so. That’s only 5 hours of sleep and with every minute that passed that number became less! What happens is you get hit with the anxiety about not being able to sleep. Even while I was physically tired my mind was awake, alert, and dreading the early alarm and the certainty of being tired and miserable. This creates a terrible feedback loop where you can’t sleep and are stressed out about the fact that you can’t sleep and this makes it even less likely you’ll be able to sleep! Around 5 a.m. I quit trying to sleep and got up to play some video games.

So right away my birthday was starting with me suffering from insomnia listening to the birds chirping at 5 a.m. as I groggily played Twilight Princess. I’m not even fond of the game and bitched about it here but it was something to do. Fuck, I even did the Princess Agitha bug quest because there is nothing else to do that early in the morning. I had to pass the time somehow and even though I wasn’t exactly having fun I toiled away finding those infernal golden bugs.

Proof.

From that point on things got really foggy and my past days blended together. I wasn’t sure exactly of the flow of time and the hours seem to both crawl along and jump ahead at the same time. It would be 11:05 and then 11:07 and then 12:15. What the hell was going on? i was able to complete the trip to Drive-Right and from then on I tried to pass the time as quickly as possible. The main goal then on for my birthday was to make it until 110 or 11 p.m. where I could actually get some fucking sleep.

Somewhere in the uncertain flow of time I got that stupid ass moon in Super Mario Odyssey: the infamous jump rope moon. As I mentioned in an unpublished post I had to glitch out the R of the MARIO letters in New Donk City and cheese the fuck out of the game. This isn’t a really important matter but it was seriously one of the highlights of my miserable day. I’ve been utterly dreading this moon for the past half year, and today I got it! On my insomnia ridden hell of a 33rd birthday I got that goddamn moon. Finally.

There’s no way in hell that I was doing that the proper way.

I took about a three hour nap between 12:30 and 3:30 thinking it would help my condition — and it did somewhat — but it didn’t get rid of it completely. I still felt miserable: sleep deprived, jittery, anxiety-ridden and feeling like a bum by “sleeping” until almost 4 in the afternoon. I couldn’t explain it any clearer than by saying that I felt “dirty,” whatever that means. Like my sink felt grimy, my hair felt greasy, and my brain was covered in a toxic fog. My sister mentioned that I sounded like I just came off a cocaine binge and I’d imagine it would feel about the same. The only problem is that I didn’t get the high from actually doing cocaine. I just felt like shit with no upside at all.

So that’s where I am right now, or sort of am. We went out to eat and I had some beers and even though they’re a depressant they seemed to wake me up a bit somehow. About 4 or 5 beers in I almost feel normal. They gave me some focus and motivation towards my goals such as writing a blog post about how shitty birthdays are. But even after the day started to look up the entire beer incident happened and the day went to shit immediately before it almost ended on a high note. On top of birthdays sucking for some higher-up, cerebral matter I’m dealing with the fact they my birthday has been total bullshit for totally mundane matters. This still doesn’t change the fact that birthdays suck for legitimate reasons: it just means I’ll write about it in another post. This one has been rambling and Thompson-inspired enough that it should end sooner than later. Birthdays suck and more on that in a few days.

Zelda Intros Suck: Twilight Princess

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(As you can see, I nearly gave up on the header image. I couldn’t be bothered to play the game again to get a decent picture so I screenshotted some dudes YouTube video of the intro cutscene. I couldn’t be bothered to properly caption it so I tossed up some Comic Sans because why the fuck not? I just didn’t care.)

In my last post I shit all over the The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword because it had an insufferable introduction filled with dialogue-tutorials and it was frustrating having to “play” for over an hour just to get to play the game. Even after the intro I was constantly interrupted by whatever  my sword and couldn’t enjoy the game at all. I also hinted that The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess was just as bad, if not worse, although I didn’t elaborate on it because that would’ve turned into a very long post. So here it is! Why Twilight Princess — at least the introduction — is fucking awful.

I’ll recap the introduction the best I can because it’s been awhile since I played the game. This is probably good because you can see how nothing coherent happened, at least when you try to recall it. It goes something like this: There was something about kids and a sword and a slingshot and a shield and somewhere along that mess you turn into a fucking dog with some wierd whateverthefuck Midna following you around. You fish and get some random lantern from a stoner and can buy oil from a parrot. You can use grass to call hawks to get mice or something. Twilight descends, monsters appear, and three or four kids get kidnapped. And then they make you herd goats. Twice. Eventually, after an hour and a half I made it to the first fucking dungeon after saving some kids and finding some glow-ball thingys. After an hour and a half. I legit timed myself too. The beginning was just a mess. I had no idea what was going on.

The game catches its stride after that (be wolf, find glowy things, be human, beat dungeon) but holy fuck they could probably design a game intro better than that. I understand the idea of plot and world building and tutorials at the beginning but Twilight Princess beat it all into the ground with about 20 random things tossed at you in an hour. It’s a fucking mess and in that first hour you’re seriously wondering what the fuck, if anything, is actually going on. I think I’ve started Twilight Princess like 3 or 4 times and only finished it once. The beginning is that fucking bad. I thought Dark Souls was hard to get into…

I guess I have this idea of “the Great Zelda Game” in my head. The last game I played was The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and while I shit upon it a little bit for the Master Sword “quest” it’s an amazingly wonderful and beautiful game. Nostalgia goggles aside it’ll probably be one of my favorite Zelda games ever. At the very least its intro blows Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword out of the water because of one primary reason: there isn’t an intro. Whereas those two beat you over the head for over an hour with tutorials, cutscenes, and random shit like fishing, Breath of the Wild says “Hey, grab that tablet over there. Have some clothes. Here’s how you climb a cliff. See ya!” And you get to play the game right away. The one dude that can give you some idea of plot or purpose doesn’t say a whole lot and you can just ignore him if you want. The game doesn’t force you into the plot at all, and when it does you’re about an hour or so into the game and can deal with a short cutscene or two. Breath of the Wild succeeds because it tosses you into the game and the world without any explanation. It’s a big and mysterious world because the game didn’t explain a damn thing to you and you’re left to explore and discover things on your own just as intended.

What about Ocarina of Time, the definitive “Great Zelda Game”? The Great Dickhead Deku Tree needs to see you. Dildo Mido won’t let you pass until you have a sword and a shield. You find those in about 5 or ten minutes and BAM you’re in the first fucking dungeon after the Great Dickhead Tree explains a few things to you. You get to play the game right away.

What about Wind Waker? You overslept and need to go to Granny’s house because it’s your birthday. Something happens with your sister and you save her and BAM! You’re on an adventure with some pirates and you get to play the game right away. Sure the game doesn’t really pick up steam until you get your ass off Windfall Island but at least you feel like you’re progressing the game. Wind Waker has its flaws but they sure don’t occur in the first fucking hour of the game.

Twilight Princess

Well…yeah…

And don’t even get me started on Majora’s Mask! You’re walking in the woods about a minute into the game and BAM! Some dickhead steals your horse and makes your day very shitty by trying to end the world. Within a minute or two of starting you’re playing the goddamned game.

Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword beat you endlessly over the head with total bullshit before you even get to play the game. It’s frustrating especially as a person replaying the games because I have fond memories of them as great games. But I’d like to play the game and not watch an hour of cutscenes, random tutorials, and pointless plot elements at the start of the game. This is probably made worse because the last game I played in the Zelda series was Breath of the Wild, a masterpiece of minimalistic design that didn’t beat you over the head with anything (other than Koroks). Even compared to older Zelda games the introductions of these two are bloated and do nothing to let you have fun playing the games. While they’re great games at their cores, you need to actually get to the gameplay to find the greatness! I loved the games and will probably power through to get to the actual game, but fuck, those intros almost broke my fucking spirit and will to play. They fucking Suck.

The Master Sword Quest Sucks

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(Spoiler Alert! There’s spoilers here! But the game is a fucking year old as of tomorrow and I’m probably the last person to play it anyways. No one is going to be spoiled here.)

First off let me say that The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was a fantastically amazing video game and I enjoyed playing it immensely. It’s one of those games I wish I could play for the first time all over again because once you’ve played, explored, and discovered most what the world has to offer you can’t just go back and have that same level of ignorance as you previously did. It’s a beautiful game that is fun as hell, and it’ll probably be the first thing that I write about as being awesome. But alas, one minor thing irked the hell out of me, and even though it’s far from being a game-breaking gripe, it’s still kinda hilarious to think about. I’m talking about the Master Sword “quest” and I’m going to shit all over it.

Part of the problem here is that The Legend of Zelda is such a well known series that the game kinda gives itself away by just being a Zelda game. There’s a princess and a boat king and Hyrule is in danger and you have to save it because you’re Link and it’s what you do. You somehow get a sword and a shield and set out to destroy Gannon(dorf), the inevitable antagonist of the entire series. In Breath of the Wild all of this is obvious from the first 15 minutes of the game. You climb a tower, see some scary shit that is (Calamity) Gannondorf and hear a voice from some girl (Princess Zelda), and talk to some old fuck who is the King of Hyrule who is not a boat this time dead. They tell you to save the world. Okay. You’re not surprised or anything because, well, it’s a Zelda game: you know you’re saving the goddamned world. Eventually you leave the starting area and head out exploring and saving the divine beasts and about then you realize a piece of the Zelda puzzle is strangely absent. Where is the Master Sword?

In Zelda history you usually go through half the game collecting shit and then you obtain the Master Sword. It’s your ticket to herodom that shows you’re the motherfucking hero for real. The past games, being rather linear, don’t give you much choice in the matter. In Ocarina of Time you grab the sword if you want to turn into adult link and advance the game. In Link to the Past you find the sword (in the Lost Woods by the way…*cough*…) before you beat minor antagonist Anaganamhim or whatever he’s called. You get the sword midway through Windwaker and Twilight Princess and it’s as big of a part of the Zelda Formula as the triforce or Gannon(dorf). You expect it to appear somewhere in the main quest of BotW. So where (and when) the fuck is it?

You know it’s somewhere but you don’t want to find it because it’s too important to the game. I went into the game trying to be as ignorant as possible but after beating the divine beasts I knew the sword was still out there and I should probably go find it. Even before that I had stumbled upon the Lost Woods. It was obvious Raviolibecause I couldn’t just fly into with Ravioli’s Gale and had to “play the game” to get into the Woods. As stated, a favorite place the Master Sword is hidden series-wise is the Lost Woods and no matter how stupid I tried to be I knew the sword would be found there without being told. I turned around because I didn’t want to find the sword too early and break the game. The sword, being as important as it was, shouldn’t be found by stumbling up in it. I wanted to be told in a gloriously important and meaningful quest to find the sword. Because it was my destiny. Because it was my duty. It’s what has to happen before you kick (Calamity) Gannon’s ass. So I waited to be told to get the sword.

 

But no one seemed to give two fucks about the sword even though they were aware of it.

Everyone of the Champions or the Leaders of whoever would mention, in passing, something like this: Oh, you don’t have the sword that seals the darkness? Hmmm. Oh well…anyways divine beast Rah Van Ruto-Nibiru is over here and…That was it. They’d mention the sword and carry right on with their story like it wasn’t jack-shit to worry about. Nevermind if it’s the Sword that Seals the Darkness, it’s not that big of a deal. So I played and played the game waiting for the game to tell me to get the goddamn sword and it never did. Was there a quest I was missing? Anything? Nope. You actually have to just stumble upon the Master Sword. Because you know where it is anyways, let’s not play dumb here: it’s in the Lost Woods. This is a Zelda game guys. And you know where the Lost Woods are because, duh. Once again, everyone probably knows what’s going on. It’s the spooky looking place with the scary trees and the fog.

Lost Woods

WHERE COULD THE LOST WOOD BE?!

 

After freeing the four divine beasts I got off my ass, walked into the Lost Woods, acted surprised, found the sword, acted surprised again, and then with my 15 hearts yanked it out like I was a badass or something. There was a cutscene, I was The Hero for Real, and Zelda said some stuff. It was time to kick Calamity’s ass. I was ready because I had the Sword that Seals the Darkness. It truly was an important part of the game that you just have to stumble upon.

In a way it’s cool because it shows Nintendo (finally) broke with the Zelda formula. You can beat the game without the Master Sword (somehow it “sealing the darkness” doesn’t matter much irl?). You can walk immediately to the castle and beat Gannon’s ass as soon as you want to. The game doesn’t hold your hand all the way to the sword and forces you to get it by exploring (or knowing how Zelda games work). The game says “Yo, this sword is important, but don’t worry about not finding it. It’s cool.” That’s what bothers me about it though. The sword is important with its lore, history, and ability to defeat darkness. It is important. But then the game treats it as a footnote that isn’t actually essential to defeating darkness. I like the open-world aspect of the game and how you can do whatever you want, but being sent on a quest to find the sword is just part of Zelda. By glossing over the Master Sword quest it just seems, anticlimactic, I suppose. The Master Sword seems like something so important that it shouldn’t be glossed over in the game. The game is amazing but the Master Sword quest Sucked.