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Video Games Suck

Elden Ring: Becoming a God!

There I was, at the end of the game. On this second playthrough I became a frenzy-flame killing machine making it further along than my first abortive attempt. All that lay ahead was whatever lurked inside the Erdtree.

The climax was palpable. The pace quickened. From the serene if not downright difficult snow areas acting as mellow and bland break from the fury of boss fights and dungeons and non-stop utter death and mayhem that would soon define the game. Sometimes boredom is a break. A welcome break.

Then the Beast Clergyman…no, surprise! He was one of the shardbearers all along! And while Maliketh was a pain in the ass initially he was slaughtered in the end. By me. By my character. His violence was no match for me, or hers. She’s the actual badass and I’m only good at the game because she allows me to be good at it. She is one evil, frenzied-flamed mad woman ready to burn the fucking Erdtree to the ground. I’m ready to burn the Erdtree down. Why? Because chaos, obviously.

Ashen Capital. End of the world. The pace once again quickens.

There’s nothing to explore, no fun action sequences or deep dailouge. Nothing to tell you that you’re at the end of the game, nearing the end of your journey, about to be finished with it all, besides the atmosphere. A literal city of ashes. One building rises above the rest, nearest to the Erdtree, which is now on fire, and you know that’s where you must go.

There’s a NPC/boss fight in said building/church and he dies quickly with my cheap and powerful attacks. Frenzy-flame shall stagger all and it will be followed up by a savage stab from Vike’s War Spear. And Ekzykes’s Decay will melt all bosses’ lifebars away. In short: mimic tear to distract, I nuke. Retreat, heal, nuke, repeat. And they’re all dead. Godrick, Moon Lady, Snake Dude, fucking RADAHN, and whoever else stood on my way.

I fight Godfrey with no idea why he’s in my way. First Elden Lord, but who fucking cares? The pull of the Erdtree is real, I’m so close, and fuck whoever stands in my way. I pummel the ever-loving fuck out him. You’re a God you say? You’re not worthy of the title! But I am. And I will murder you now.

Godfrey fell without much of a challenge.

Horah Loux, whoever that dude is lore-wise beat the every-loving shit out of me. But the idiot didn’t even have any sweet magic attacks, just some beefed-up big guy who thinks he’s cool. Sure he is cool, but he’s in my way so he has to die just like Godfrey. Even if they’re the same person. (This game is weird, I dont even know. Im just killin shit.) And he did die. Just like Godfrey.

I mentally prepare myself to kill whatever awaits me inside the tree. A cutscene ensues. I have no clue why the woman dangling like Jesus on the cross is now a man, or who these people even are. Red flowing hair. Tall. Lanky. Scary. He has a large hammer. Oh, it’s Radagon. I’ve heard of him somewhat in the item descriptions but they’re always so vague. He sounded pretty high up with Queen Marika so…oh. Oh! He’s the guy at the center of it all. Radagon. That dude.

Isn’t this guy like a legit God?

He looks at my crazy mad woman frezy-flame chaos murder as he stands up. He looks at his hammer. He slowly, slowly but so deliberately reaches for the hammer. He picks up said the hammer. Uh oh.

The cutscene ends. Boss fight begins. The music starts. A chorus of voices. The voices of angels about to witness some shit go down inside the Erdtree. A battle between gods, the contest for the Elden Throne. Radagon, back still turned and with a beautifully slow, graceful, and deliberate motion he faces his opponent: oh fuck that’s me! He moves slowly and purposefully towards me as if in slow-motion. Then a blast of light bursts from his hands faster than I can react. Or a lunge with nearly no sign at all! His attacks took like 75% of my damn health away!

And with the music just blasting the most intense and epic boss music I’ve ever heard I was promotly smashed into the ground with his gaint fucking hammer. Even cooler, this hammer is the actual hammer Marika used to shatter the Elden Ring! The very one I was being pummeled to death by! I felt bad for my character totally getting murdered over and over with zero hope of survival; she’s usually the one doing the death-dealing, not the other way around. Don’t worry gurl we got this bb.

Farm levels. Upgrade gear. Try different talisman layouts. Try everything to find the key, the perfect layout to overpower Radagon and Elden Beast, the following boss of this two-part fight.

And then after about 60 fucking attempts I finally killed him and the Elden Beast. I went turtle mode. I tanked attacks. I talismaned up to have stupid sheilding power. I let my mimic distract the fuck out of them. I didn’t even attempt to dodge anything but the most unblockable and lethal moves. Elden Stars? Tank and run. Radagon’s lunging attack? Tank and poke with my shitty spear. Why? Because it’s safe and cheap. It’s cowardly. But in a game that has been cheap to me from the start, fuck yes I’m going to be cheap right back. At least now I have the power to play cheaply.

Radagon, with his slow but dangerous attacks required aggression: just beat the ever loving shit out of him in a cautious way. He staggers easily because he’s not much of a God compared to yourself. Stagger and pummel the shit out of this fake-ass God.

And Elden Beast was a much more fluid fight, more like a dance than anything else. At first you don’t want to kill him – you didn’t sign up for cosmic horror so sorry to get involved – but he sure seemed hell-bent on killing you. It felt like a chore, something I didn’t want to do; I have to kill you? Really? Well okay if you insist. We danced, he died, and now what?

I burned the world down. I’m the lord of the frenzied-flame. Why? I decreed it with my authority. I’m in charge here. I’m a God now. I’m The God now. And you’ll all live or die as I say.

(As an afterthought I strolled off to murder Malenia, Goddess of Rot, as a test of my new Godhood. If Radagon and Mr. Beast fell with persistence, surely Malenia would fall as well. She did, eventually, but let’s not talk about right now.)

Elden Ring is about becoming a God, especially considering the final ridiculous chain of savage bosses. You almost have to overpower yourself because they felt so cheap and overpowered. They are jackasses that fight dirty! Malenia’s regen-health trick? With two phases? Elden Beast’s healthpool? And these two-phase fights?! This game is cheap and by playing cheap right back you feel more like an insane God. Once you discover the free-FP trick and pair it with COMET AZUR or some of the dragon breath attacks you never go back. It’s too fucking fun to go back! This game puts your lowly ass into some dreary/lonely land and by the time you’re at the end you’re doing massive 10,000 point attacks, destroying these cheap-ass bosses just laughing about it, all while wearing the most stylish/fancy/ridiculous shit you can find. It’s what a God losing their sanity would do after all.

By TheBlackhairedGuy

I'm a guy. And I have black hair. Well not really because it is slowly turning grey. I suppose TheNotquiteBlackhairedGuy doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it? I write the blog EverythingSucks.blog as well as dabble in some freelance writing.

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