Karmic Justice Sucks

I’m not into astrology stuff. I don’t think anyone can predict the future. Who gives a fuck about tarot cards? And so on. I only believe in the idea of “karma” to the lightest degree, i.e. maybe if you do good stuff in the world good stuff will be more likely to happen to you just because you’re increasing the good in the world and not because someone has a fucking tally board of the bad/good shit you do. Despite my beliefs I seem to have this strange gift, especially at work, where whatever I joke about going wrong usually happens. I’ve never stopped to see how consistently this happens mostly because I’m skeptical about it. I joke about things, and they happen. And they keep happening because I keep joking about them.

From my last post you might recall that I’ve been sick and miserable the past week. And from how this post is going you might expect there to be some big cosmic reason for me being sick and there is. Sort of. At work I discovered that a few of our talented supervisors were scheduled to have Tuesday off so naturally I also didn’t want to come into work because I knew it would be a shitshow. I discovered this the Thursday prior and jokingly asked another supervisor if I could also have Tuesday off. She replied with a resoundingly firm “no.” I then joked, joked, that I might be sick on Tuesday and, oh man, even if it was four days away I felt the sickness already coming on.

And guess what fucking happened?

Not only was I sick Tuesday but was sick the entire weekend. It really hit me hard Friday and lasted all the way until Wednesday/Thursday. I really put an effort into coming into work Tuesday just to tell the universe to go fuck itself but nope, I was miserable and missed work. Just as I was joking about. This also makes me look like a total lying asshole. (“Haha, might be sick Tuesday!” Then I proceed to call in sick. “No, really. I am sick!”) Luckily I came into work Wednesday with my voice sounding scratchy, frog-like, and constantly cracking so at least people knew I was actually sick. I wasn’t faking my sickness, it was just the universe fucking me over for joking about it.

And another curious thing. An employee last week was fired due to poor attendance. He was also notorious for showing up to work baked off his ass. Bloodshot eyes, totally red and barely able to hold them open. Apparently he said he had pink eye. Haha, right? Pink eye. Sure… He even (supposedly) had a doctor’s note saying so. Naturally it didn’t stop me from endlessly talking shit about him and his supposed pink eye diagnosis.

Guess what happened Monday?

My eye hurt, was red, watery, and had all sorts of nasty discharge coming out of it. While I hadn’t been to a doctor or had ever been diagnosed with pink eye, it sure sounded like pink eye. And to hell with actually going to a doctor and having it confirmed because then I might have to admit my karmic faults. At least I can live in reasonable denial by not having it confirmed. My eye did clear up the next day so maybe it wasn’t pink eye, but still. In my sick and slightly paranoid state I started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something.

And as a sort of bloody icing on my karmic cake, I had a terrible nose bleed on Monday. And since I had been eating asprin nearly nonstop (and in case you weren’t aware, asprin stops blood from clotting…) my nosebleed was also nonstop. It bleed for literally 55 minutes. So there I was struck in the bathroom at 5:30 a.m.  thinking I was going to die from a nosebleed. Like I’d lose enough blood, pass out, and die before anyone was awake to actually save me. Because I was taking asprin. Because I was sick. With possible pink eye. Because I joked about the two things last week to get out of work on Tuesday. You can’t make this shit up.

I don’t know my overall karmic standing with the universe but I like to think it should be somewhat good. I don’t treat people like shit. I try to help my fellow humans out. Hell, I even let people merge into my lane while driving. I’m that guy. A guy like that certainly has good karmic standing, right? And once again to bring this all back around, I’m skeptical. I wrote this entire post talking about the universe trying to fuck me over, but do I really believe it? No. Of course not. I don’t even know where to start if I did think I was supposed to learn something from all of this. If anything I find it immensely funny. And if you learn and understand one single thing about existence, life, the universe, and everything, it’s that it’s hilariously stupid and makes no sense. And if this past few weeks has had anything to teach me, maybe it’s that. The universe is a goddamn prankster. You have to get a laugh out of it.