Crickets Suck

Well, once again it’s a ridiculous time of the morning and I still haven’t been able to sleep. The current time is 6:14 a.m. I’m tired but unable to sleep. Insomnia. You know the deal.

The problem tonight today? Crickets. Yes. Crickets.

Part of the problem is that I sleep in the basement. Apparently crickets love basements. And on top of that, the basement recently flooded. Apparently crickets love moist locations. Basically I’m trying to sleep in a moist basement that is apparently a paradise to the annoying black bugs and they’re moving in as such. Damn.

Having insomnia is bad, but what makes it really shitty is how every little thing can bug the hell out of you, pun maybe intended here. It’s not necessarily that I can’t sleep, it’s that anything minor bothers me so much that I can’t sleep. Like the bed sheets don’t feel right, or it’s too hot down here, or how the crickets won’t shut the fuck up. Something minor that with nothing else to focus on your mind fixates on.

The thing people don’t realize about crickets is that they’re loud as fuck. This is obvious when you think about it; you can hear crickets outside chirping at night through the walls and windows. This isn’t really a problem, but the fact that you can still hear the bastards when they’re outside is testament to how loud they actually are.

Now imagine one or more of these black, creepy fuckers a few feet away from you while trying to sleep. They’re loud. At first you can kinda tune them out and not let their sound bother you, but as the hours pass without sleep the noise works it’s way into your conscious thought. You can’t not hear the crickets chirping. Chirp, chirp, fucking chirp. Hours upon hours. Chirp. Actually more like CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP, CCHHHIRP, CHHHIRRRPPPP.

It wouldn’t be bad if the chirps were consistent white-noise like a fan, AC, static on the radio, rain falling outside, wind blowing through trees, traffic on the nearby road, or even the high pitched buzz of a phone charger. Something that can blend into the back of your mind where your brain can tune it out. Nope. Not the fucking crickets. Sometimes these loud fuckers stop chirping only to randomly start up 5 minutes later. This instantly raises my pulse because I’ll have anxiety about how long the silence will last. These devilish bastards will be silent for 10 minutes, let out two quick chirps to get my blood pressure up, and then go back into silent mode for five more minutes. It’s like they’re purposefully tormenting me, just breaking up the chirping with silence to remind me they’re still there, not letting my brain completely tune them out.

Each cricket also has its own chirp too, like how people have different voices. Some crickets  chirp in a well defined way, a clear and rhythmic chirp, chirp, chirp, whereas the one droning on currently has a very persistent and staticy sound to him. Like a constant buzzing noise. A sort of CCCHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. The sound could easily fade into white-noise if he’d be consistent, but he stops every now and then to remind me that he’s there. What a fucker.

A few nights ago I snapped on a cricket. One wouldn’t shut up and I started moving furniture to violently murder him with a can of Raid. I’m usually not hostile towards bugs (except mosquitos for obvious reasons: if something is trying to feed off of me they’re going to die) and I even let spiders roam the house unchallenged (at least spiders are quiet), but the cricket had to go. When I found him I angrily used way more Raid than was required. I was really upset and took it out on the poor guy. This is what anger can do to a normally passive person.

After writing this post, Facebook started giving me ads for Raid. Companies totally aren’t spying on us at all. Fuck you Google, stay outta my docs.

The one haunting me now is smartly hiding under something that is basically unmovable. At least that’s where I think he is; I can’t find him anywhere else. That’s another thing about crickets; their sound is really hard to locate. The noise has a way of scattering all over so it seems like it’s coming from everywhere all at once. You can figure out his general location, but this isn’t good enough if you’re looking to hose him down with poison. You gotta know exactly where he his. So if he isn’t around the heavy wooden chest I’m assuming he’s under the damn thing.

I didn’t think I could write an entire post about crickets, but they can go fuck themselves. I’m actually looking forward to winter when there won’t be bugs invading the basement. Maybe then I can actually get some sleep because as of now I’m just listening to these annoying bugs making loud obnoxious and inconsistent sounds. I swear any cricket I find I’m going to kill with my economy sized can of Raid with zero guilt. I don’t care. I wish death and destruction on their entire species. Fuck em.

Update: I was able to sleep after putting ear plug in my ears. Luckily I work at an airport so have ear plugs all over the house. It made sense to use them. There was another problem though: apparently when you block sound from your ears in a mostly quiet room, your brain starts to hallucinate sounds as sensory deprivation seems to do. I couldn’t hear anything but occasionally would hallucinate sounds. Unusually these were electronic beeps and boops sort of like what you’d find in old NES video games. While I didn’t hear the cricket anymore, I was terrified of my own brain making up sounds and scaring me because it had nothing else better to do. At least that problem is way more interesting than crickets chirping.






4 responses to “Crickets Suck”

  1. Jolo Avatar

    Wow. I feel your pain truly, to the core. I have the same insomnia as you. I tried medical marijuana for a few months, but the type of sleep I was getting was sedated, forced sleep, not natural, so was still somewhat tired.

    I do what you do, try to RAID all areas where they can be, use earplugs, but on TOP of that, I wear noise cancelling headphones (Bose QC or Sony MX), and an eye mask to block out any light, and I also make my room pitch black. All of these steps, I can get a decent 5 1/2 hours. I’ll be slightly tired but it’s more than enough to get me through the day. Insomnia is terrible. It is my worst enemy. I hope you find come sleep and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      What you’ve said about the quality of sleep with medical marijuana reminds me of my Benadryl habit a few months ago. Sure you sleep, but you wake up feeling like you didn’t actually sleep. A kinda sedated rest that doesn’t actually rejuvenate your body.

      With that being said, I’m glad I don’t have the hardcore insomnia that haunts many people. My worst case was three days without sleep for some reason — I just could fall asleep or stay asleep — and it was hell. I felt like I was living in some waking dream or nightmare where everything seemed fake or that I was living in a video game. It was terrifying, I felt helpless (who can’t fall asleep?!), and I have the utmost sympathy for anyone who goes through life like that perpetually.


  2. Montse Avatar

    I was so excited to finally go to bed. I turned off the lights and jumped over to my bed and got comfy and started hearing crickets. When you mentioned that no one realizes how loud crickets really are I felt like I was being dramatic after reading that you are IN the same room as them.

    My house has 1 floor and the top my window stands at like 6-8 feet tall from the ground up and I can hear the crickets loud and clear. The crickets would not leave me alone and I dont have raid or earplugs so I came to the internet looking for relief and looked up “when do crickets go to sleep” and this is the first thing i found. This sucks because all summer I’ve been going to sleep at 7am and waking up mid afternoon. Because of school approaching I decided I was gonna fix my sleeping schedule and I did just that. Ive been sleeping at 9 and 10 pm and waking up at the time that I used to sleep at.

    I’m really worried that the damn crickets are gonna mess up my schedule now that I start school in 1 week and if I do mess it up, one week wont be enough to fix it. Ive never really had a problem with crickets until yesterday. I used my AirPods and went to sleep listening to ASMR for the first time because it was the only alternative I had. My AirPods are charging right now so I only have to hear the crickets for about half and hour more. But it still really sucks having crickets. My situation cant even be called a situation reading this story and replies. I wish you all well except crickets. Fuck crickets.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Avatar

      You know, I wrote this post a year ago and had forgotten all about the cricket problems I’d had, but guess what? Our basement flooded again and the little noisy, black bastards are back at it again! I’ve had to RAID about five of them in the past week and while I feel sorry for killing them with poison, I NEED MY SLEEP!

      And I’m glad someone else knows how much of a pain these critters are. Like, ugh, I don’t want to start another rant. I wish you luck on your sleeping and if the ASMR AirPods work, that’s great. The only problem I’d see is trying to sleep with something in your ear!



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