Tag Archives: Dreams

Planting Grass on Graduation Day and “What do I want to do in life?” Sucks

I planted grass the day I graduated high school. This isn’t metaphorical wordplay either: I literally planted grass. No grand statement about sowing seeds for the future or dreams of a career in horticulture or anything. Just planting grass for the sake of planting grass.

My grandfather passed away about a year and a half earlier and he was an avid gardener. He planted about five acres of land by hand as a hobby and sold the produce at his roadside vegetable stand. He then took the money from that and funded next years crops. He’d work at least 12 hours a day during the spring, summer, and fall. I didn’t know it at the time but he was a fucking madman.

One little area he planted was right next to their house, just a tiny 20-by-15 foot rectangle that he sometimes let me plant things in. There’d usually be sunflowers, tomatoes, and strawberries, and I don’t recall what else was usually grown there. Anyways, he passed away and his tiny garden turned to grass and weeds, still mowable because it was such a small area, but the rectangle looked awful in the rest of yard. Wild grasses and weeds growing in a box in the middle of grass (he rented the rest of the fields so those growing up in weeds didn’t matter). This is why I planted grass that day. I was doing my grandma a favor by making that hideous rectangular section of yard actually look nice.

I only mention this story because it seems like the perfect example for my indecision and indifference to my future. I was equally skeptical of the “importance” of graduation because, after all, it was just another day, right? Graduating high school wasn’t that big of a deal to me. I did my school work, got decent grades, and then I graduated. It’s almost like it was an accident, not my personal achievement but something that happened to me (yes, I’ve been reading up on Imposter Syndrome). But I also realized the importance of the day. We go to school nearly every day for most of our formative years. People usually don’t remember their lives before school, so school is just the thing we do for our entire lives growing up. It’s always there. And standing there planting grass I couldn’t help but realize that I was done. There was no more school. The past 14 years of nearly nonstop schooling was finished. 14 years?! I was now an adult, a real adult that wasn’t in school anymore. My life was in front of me. What would I do? What adventures would I go on? What greatness would I achieve?

Planting grass was the ellipsis at the end of my life story so far. ‘Jeremy graduated high school today and then…‘ And ‘then what?’ indeed. Looking back it seems like such a strange but totally obvious thing I’d do as the conflicted individual that I was and still am. No party? No celebration? No deep reflecting? No college apps? No job hunting? No. Plant grass. This was/is my post-high school life: doing random shit with no overarching goal.

I never knew what I wanted to do with my life as a teenager. I assumed time would clear up my indifference and indecision. One idea I toyed with was to become an aerospace engineer; I could design airplane stuff and it seemed challenging enough but I wasn’t set on it as a career yet. I wasn’t set on anything. I had floated through life up until graduation and I’d float through life just a little longer until I found something I was passionate about. Until I found my calling.

Then off to community college which I dropped after three semesters. I was too drunk, high, and riddled with substance/relationship-induced depression that I couldn’t drag myself through school anymore. I didn’t care. Once again, I was sure time would remove the fog, but just a little longer of indecision was perfectly fine, thank you.

About five fucking years later (or so) I stumbled back into college to finally knock out the Associate’s degree that I was about halfway through. A few years later: mission accomplished. A job well done. And now that I had a nearly-useless Associate’s degree the same question came up as it always does: now what? I still didn’t have any plan for what I actually wanted to do. By this time I was 28 or 29 and the ‘just a little more time until I figure things out’ idea was starting to freak me out. Ten years after high school and I was still as indifferent as I was when I was planting grass. So when was time going to clear things up for me?

I’m 33 and still have no idea what I want to do. I’ve basically given up hope that time will clear things up for me because it sure hasn’t even though I’m nearly double the age I was when I graduated. Maybe this is what they call ‘wisdom’? If it is it sure doesn’t seem very useful.

Stuck in my head like I always am, I assumed nearly everyone felt this indecision in life. No, not everyone it seems. A friend at work has recently started taking classes to major in biodegradable plastics. Fuck. That is so stupidly specific I’m assuming she knows exactly how passionate she is about it and went all in. There’s another girl that is taking a two year course to be a respiratory care nurse or something; once again she has all the confidence in the world and is fully committed to her plan. Sleepless nights, endless homework, no free time, and she loves the struggle of it all. Part of me wonders if they’re really that committed to their plans or if there is some denial about how quickly someone can change their minds or find it unfulfilling. I don’t know. And another friend recently obtained a Master’s degree in business and is now questioning everything about his life and the choices he’s made. He’s in his mid-thirties currently struggling through a blatant mid-life crisis where nothing is certain to him anymore. Years ago he was the most confident and driven person that I ever knew and admired his dedicated drive. How can anyone be this certain about what they want to do? I’d ask myself. But even people who seem self-confident in their goals can fall from grace given the bullshit that is life and the human mind. Is this terrifying or comforting? Probably a little bit of both.

Luckily I know of a few people just as lost and as clueless as I am. One friend is nearly in the same position I was in a few years ago, although much younger. She’s on the verge of getting an associates degree at the same community college I attended and also has zero idea of what she wants to do afterwards. I really hope she figures it out because I think it really helps a person achieve their potential if they have a clear direction to move towards, but it’s also comforting to know that I’m not alone with my struggles. I’m constantly trying to stress that I used to see time as a cure-all for indecision, and that I pissed away too much of it by doing so. That you might never know what you “really want to do” but time keeps ticking so you can’t sit around forever waiting. You have to make progress and do something, anything. Just trying to make my mistakes clear to others so they at least have the ability to learn if they feel the urge to do so.

This indecisiveness isn’t a thing that time clears up, that is certain. In fact it seems to be an individual trait and not some universal thing we all constantly share, although I’m positive most people feel hints of it here or there and simply deal with doubt better than I do. That’s just who I am: indifferent and too terrified to pick a singular thing and run with it. And fuck am I envious of those confident people that somehow know exactly what their calling in life is. Those that can sit down, get to work, and make progress towards their dreams while disregarding all the distractions on the journey. And even if you do feel like a lost, hopeless, and confused human being, others certainly feel the same way you do. We’re never alone, we just need to find others that share our flaws.

New Year’s Resolutions (Don’t) Suck?

4 Replies

Note: I don’t want to write. I don’t want to post. I don’t want to think about the optimal time to schedule a post. But I have to: this post has a dictated timeframe with it being about the goddamn New Year. I simply don’t have a choice. So time to buckle down and force something out against my will. This is the struggle of blogging.

I’ve never been a fan of making New Year’s Resolution (as you can read here) but I recently watched a YouTube video by Veritasium that has somehow gotten me totally hyped for the New Year. (I’ll link it below if I can figure out how to do so. You know, learning WordPress and all…) Like I’ve bought into all the bullshit about it for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt like the past year or two has been an incomprehensible blur and I want a firm date to change my mindset and make small but perceptible changes to my self and my life? I don’t know. At this point I’m not trying to question my random positive mood here. I’m running with it as is because it is a rare and uplifting thing for me to do.

HOLY SHIT LINKING TO A VIDEO WORKED! ON POST 101 I’VE LEVELED UP!

If you didn’t watch the video, Derek explains a few key takeaway points about resolutions:

New Year’s is the best time to set out to do something
Despite #1 most resolutions fail because of the following three reasons:
Resolutions need to be small and not too big or dramatic
They need to be measurable and clear. Vague resolutions will almost always fail
They mustn’t require a ton of willpower

When you’re given these restraints you instantly see the idea of resolutions as better than the popular pipe-dreams you typically hear spouted off. Instead of criticizing people for picking random and unachievable stuff like “be a better person” or “lose weight” you start to realize that maybe by picking smaller and easier to achieve things you might actually be able to fundamentally change yourself in the ~~365~~ 366 days that are 2020 (2020 is a leap year?! Hello February 29th!). Given these restraints you might start to feel emboldened: maybe New Year’s Resolutions are a good way to start your journey throughout the New Year?

As for my actual resolutions, I’m leaning towards something like giving a single compliment to someone every day. It’s not dramatic, it’s measurable, and achievable but at the same time me going out of my mostly negative and reclusive shell to actually dish out compliments might do me good in the long run. Like Derek said, it’s the idea behind improving 1% a day which leads to massive improvements over time. Now that I think of this more, it does seem pretty adventurous too; what do I do on weekends when I’m only around family? Do I make a pact to only compliment strangers because complimenting family is too easy? Where I’ll have to compliment the denizens that inhabit Walmart or the local derelict gas station? There are some details to work out here for sure because I see some easy ways out for my future self. But I think it’s a good start.

Another possible idea I’ve discovered scouring Veritasium’s YouTube page (he mentioned putting resolutions in the comments) was to wake up early every day. I have a nasty habit of waking up at 12 p.m. after pissing away hours in bed looking a Reddit between 12-3 a.m. so this might help my mood, writing, blogging, productivity, etc. Other random and possible ideas I might settle on are reading something everyday, writing something everyday, and only drinking on Sunday. They are mostly small, easy to enact, and measurable (if I clear up the general “something” that is) so should be accomplishable, but as stated I still have two days to flesh out my ideas into something more concrete. Let me know what your resolutions are below so I might be able to steal them if they’re good enough.

New Year’s Resolutions suck. But this year I’m finding myself embracing them.

Closing Note: I’ve also had this terrible idea to make shirts hating on the New Year.

Giving Up Sucks: Blogging

1 Reply

First off let me say that I really don’t like blogging about blogging. It seems like a really cheap and easy way to get people to read your stuff, because obviously people who blog are interested in blogging so would like to read a blog about blogs. Yeah. And I also don’t like writing about “success” or “being successful” because I’m not successful so why should I be spouting shit about success when I know nothing about it? It’s like listening to financial advice from a poor person or dieting tips from someone who’s obese or anorexic. But here we are anyways. I guess what I’m trying to say is that on the path to success (which I think I’m on I guess) there’s about a million difficulties you run into and if that’s causing me so much frustration and anguish I might as well write about them. Other people are probably dealing with some of the same struggles and feelings. This is called Everything Sucks and being successful is probably the hardest thing ever, so it fits I suppose.

This post is about a blog and failure and how I suppose it’s nice to quit sometimes. This obviously don’t feel good which is why it Sucks. I started a blog in February that was about electric cars. I had purchased one about a year ago and since there are tons of misconceptions about the things I thought blogging would be a great way to enlighten the masses about how great they are. I really like my electric car because of a ton of reasons and I wanted to get that information out into the world.

I was enthusiastic about the blog; it had focus, a narrow topic, and seemingly tons of things to write about. I’ve said before Everything Sucks is a mess because it has no real “tight theme” which apparently blogs are supposed to have so I felt excited about finally have a good blog idea. You read articles about how to really blog and they usually suggested those few things. I set to work on it immediately. I made a post every two days, made sure the design looked acceptable, and even made a Facebook page for the blog. Hell, I even advertised for the blog! It took about a week for the page to have over 100 “likes” and I felt good. Things were moving along nicely.

And then I didn’t write as much for it. It wasn’t for lack of motivation either; I just couldn’t think about topics to write about. When it came down to it an electric car is nearly the same as a gas car and there’s only so much writing you can do about how efficient and cheap they are to operate. One of my premises — namely the one about having a ton to write about — was wrong apparently. There wasn’t much to write about.

You end up with two choices. You can either give up, accept failure, and move on or keep trying to make progress. It’s a choice we all make in regards to nearly anything: a difficult job, relationships, careers, and goals. This choice is made more difficult by the often-heard adage about success: it’s all due to persistence. The people who are successful don’t give up at the first sign of difficulty and if you give it you feel like shit. You’re a failure. You’re [insert goal here] is an automatic failure if you stop working on it.

What did I do? I gave up on it. Do I feel like shit? Sort of, just because it was wasted time. But strangely I don’t feel too bad about it. Even though we’re conditioned to feel like failures sometimes it’s best to realize when you don’t have a way forward and try something else. You can keep banging your head into a wall trying to make progress but sometimes that wall isn’t going to give and you need to move on. Accepting this is probably the hardest part.

I think of what Hunter S. Thompson said in a letter to his friend asking for advice:

“We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things. We adjust to the demands of a concept which CANNOT be valid. When you were young, let us say that you wanted to be a fireman. I feel reasonably safe in saying that you no longer want to be a fireman. Why? Because your perspective has changed. It’s not the fireman who has changed, but you. Every man is the sum total of his reactions to experience. As your experiences differ and multiply, you become a different man, and hence your perspective changes. This goes on and on. Every reaction is a learning process; every significant experience alters your perspective.”

He gives the perspective of a child who wants to be a firefighter when he grows up. Everyone wants to be something cool like that, either a firefighter or a veterinarian or an astronaut. None of us actually become these things but we don’t feel like we failed out dreams because we eventually outgrow them, or rather see the goals from a different angle, as Thompson puts it. It’s this ever-changing growth in ourselves and our ever-changing perspective on life that forces us to also make ever-changing choices regarding our goals and dreams. It’s simply not set in stone: you have to constantly figure out what it is you need to do.

I guess it’s with that perspective that I gave up on my blog. I had a good run for a few months and for once I hit it hard with tons of motivation and little procrastination: two of my biggest flaws. Eventually I found that there wasn’t much to write about and that maybe my idea wasn’t that good. I felt terrible about this at first because I had wasted so much time on the blog and I obviously felt like a failure for “giving up” but fact is fact. With my ever-changing perspective on the state and future of the blog I was able to realize that my time would be better spent elsewhere. I still learned a bunch of lessons and those won’t disappear either. So don’t feel like you’re a failure because you had to give something up. Obviously try to make progress because persistence does seem to be key, but realize when something has run its course and don’t be afraid to move on to new adventures (like trying to sell goddamn t-shirts)!