Boy, I am not feeling it today. Just…no. I’ve had all week to work on a blog post but work has been stressful. Supervising, having nearly everything that happens being your responsibility, takes a lot out of you, surprisingly. I think I’ve said it before, but I’m shocked at how mentally exhausting some things can be. I understand physical exhaustion — sometimes you literally run your body out of energy and wear your muscles down — but mentally? There’s that whole ‘mind over matter’ thing which is apparently totally bullshit. You can overuse your brain?! It feels fried, like one of those ‘this is your brain on drugs’ commercials from the ’90s, and even if it is my day off, I feel so very worn down.
Today I wrote a little post for the subreddit r/stopdrinking. I kinda realized that, hey, my life is in a crazy different spot than it was when I was drinking and maybe that’s something to celebrate. The trajectory has been mostly upwards too. It’s not a masterpiece of a post, it’s not bad though, but I think it’ll suffice for the obligatory Friday post that otherwise wouldn’t happen.
“Hello everyone! I think I’m approaching nine-ish month sober although luckily I’ve stopped counting the days. Life has sort of just been life as a thing on its own and not just a way to rack up days sober. That sounds weird but hopefully you guys know exactly what I mean.
I guess I want to share a little story as a way to give people struggling some hope. In the first few months of sobriety things were bleak as life came back in full-force and I couldn’t rely on my crutch. It’s hard because you have to learn how to take life as it comes with no alcohol to escape it. But time goes by and soon things do get better, as cliched as that sounds.
Sober, I had a realization that I’ve let anxiety and dread rule my life for way too long. Alcohol hid this fact from me. It helped “cure” my anxiety and let me make periodic progress in my life, but at the expense of what? Alcohol lures you in like that, easing your fears while at the same time making them worse when alcohol isn’t around. Once this clicked it was pretty simple: I let anxiety rule, I’m sober, and it’s probably time to change that in the name of growth and progress.
I was at my job 16 years and only recently — last month — took a promotion to become a supervisor. I guess I knew I had the skillset and the talent but for more than a decade there, covered up by my semi-controlled drinking, I was stagnant. To job was a union job and had great pay, great benefits, but I kept feeling like a cog in the machine. Like I wasn’t doing all I could do with my life. Like I was wasting something precious. Alcohol, in it’s guise of comfort, got me through as it does but kept me there at the same time. Both the cure and perpetuating the problem. The temporary fix to the permanent problem of being scared of life and change.
The promotion isn’t really a huge deal and doesn’t make a whole lot of financial sense with losing my union benefits, but it’s the right thing for me, no doubt at all. Once I sobered up and realized how scared I was of change and living my best life and given the opportunity to get outside my comfort zone I had no choice. Sober me was here and sober me was pretty pissed off about all of the wasted time and sober me, and while still scared, knew he couldn’t let fear rule anymore. I committed to the promotion before I could overthink it, dealt with the anxiety without drinking a single drop, and while it was about the most stressful thing ever, here I still am.
I’m proud of myself! I feel almost ashamed to write that so blatantly, but I did it. Quitting drinking was one of the hardest things I’ve done and it didn’t seem to have any instantaneous payoffs, but I kept thinking, sometimes sarcastically, that “ThInGs WiLl GeT bEtTeR.” Guess what? They did. Here I am in a place I wouldn’t have imagined a year ago. I feel like I’m challenging myself, living life adventurous for once, going outside my comfort zone, growing as a person. Like this is who I’ve been all along and alcohol just made me forget my true self. And guess what? I’m actually a pretty damn good supervisor! Sure there isn’t a direct correlation between sobriety and actually growing as a person — I could’ve taken the promotion as my old functioning-alcoholic self — but would I? Who’s to say.
Yes, sobriety sucks at first, but you might be surprised where you end up thanks to your sobriety. It’s only the first step of a long process and for once I’m enjoying the journey. I usually don’t post or comment frequently but thanks to all the people who do; you guys really give us lurkers hope. IWNDWYT!”
Instagram: where I post pointless
artistic pics and shitty poems daily whenever I get around to it.
My other blog where I
sometimes never post stories but might get around to it sometime soonish.