Loneliness Sucks

Since my mood the past few months has been entering a death spiral I figure I should at least try to channel the negative feelings into blog posts. I mean if you’re feeling like shit why not try to do something sort of productive with it? Grab life by the balls and capitalize on it. Lemons into lemonade or whatever that means. Writing has always been a cathartic experience and I find I do feel better after writing. This experience is somewhat minimized when when you write a public blog post as opposed to privately writing, but it still does help.

First it was my near nervous breakdown or whatever it was, and last post was about the anxiety. I suppose this is a good post to follow the anxiety one as many of the themes are similar; I’m talking about loneliness here. Anxiety and loneliness feed off each other and you can feel lonely because your anxious and anxious because you’re lonely. They might be two sides to the same coin really. I haven’t thought about it too much but this post and the last post are eerily similar.

On the surface I don’t even know why I’m lonely and this makes it even more frustrating. How can someone with a loving family surrounded by people who care about them be lonely? How can someone surrounded by friendly people at work feel lonely? How can someone in a world of 7 billion people feel alone? It’s like a slap to the face to be lonely in these circumstances. Like how the hell are you lonely when you’re never actually alone? It makes it worse.

Obviously it has something to do with your mind. If it didn’t the solution would be to simply find people and be around them. I could go to a park, be around people, and feel better. This doesn’t work though. For me it seems there’s no meaningful connections between people, and if there ever is a meaningful connection it is either so fleeting as to not even matter, and in this case it makes things worse because you feel some connection and it’s gone. It makes you want to connect with people more. Sometimes it’s due to not being able to open up fully about your mind and your thoughts with those that are around you. You never want to bother people, especially family members, with the shitty thoughts you have as they’ll worry about you. Or they’ll try to blame themselves. It’s easy to just bottle things up and not talk about it. And this makes you feel totally and utterly alone. Like you’re your own island. Or like a boat out on the ocean isolated and alone. There’s all the other people in the world, and then there’s you. Loneliness makes you think if you disappeared no one would even notice. It’s a bad thing to feel. 

Like the anxiety post I wonder if other people feel this way as often or as strongly as I do. This is another thing you can’t talk about either. You can’t go up to people you know and ask them if they’re lonely. Its creepy, weird, and makes people worry. Sometimes I think we’re all this way and that everyone in the world is terribly lonely and constantly looking for some human connection to make them feel a part of something. And that maybe everyone is too scared to take this risk so we all suffer in our own personal isolated and lonely hell. Like what if it took one brave person to go out of their way to make another not feel lonely? One person to break through to some deeper, hidden, and scared aspect of another lonely person. This person could change the world for the better.

Or it could just be that I’m fucked up in the head. I don’t really know if it’s more comforting knowing that everyone else is also lonely or that it’s just me trapped in my head. It’s a scary but darkly comforting thought to think that everyone is just as lonely and as miserable as you are. At least I got friends that are suffering with me. But that sounds really selfish and dismal, in a way I hope this is just a me problem. I wouldn’t mind being lonely if it meant that everyone else isn’t.

Maybe I should devote some time and energy to make others not feel lonely, maybe be this hero to other people if they need it? Like go out of my way to talk and make conversation to others. Be cheerful and outgoing. This is a pain because it takes self-confidence and motivation, and if you’re writing a post like I am now you’re probably not the most confident person in the world. It’s hard to go out and be a positive influence when you feel like shit. It’s a risk, and a scary risk to take, and might be why no one else goes out of their way to connect with other people. Maybe they don’t need it. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. Look out for your fellow humans I suppose. You never know who could be going through a crisis and how any little actions can be the tiny but immensely important thing that makes their day and life just a slightly bit better.

6 thoughts on “Loneliness Sucks

  1. ceponatia

    I think that loneliness is lack of connection, not necessarily “being alone”. I am in the same boat… surrounded by people… but we have nothing in common. I can’t even remember the last time I talked about music with someone. Hope you feel better. If anything, at least the best art comes from misery, right? lol.

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    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Post author

      I do feel somewhat better today. I rode my bike to work yesterday and two girls around 7 or 8 were playing outside also riding their bikes. I’ve been seeing them occasionally as I ride to work a lot, and they said hi and waved to me. It was amazing how just that little action made me feel tons better. They have no idea how it cheered me up.

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  2. Sipho Melkisedek

    you can actually feel alone/lonely while surrounded by people (happy and positive people), and still feel isolated simply because they are all interested in 123 while you are a person of ABC, or you have switched sides from ABC to 123 and everybody else around you seem left behind on ABC’s.
    you need not to try and convince or tranform them to be like you, you might scare them away, (might come across wierd if that will be their first time expirience) but slightly open up about your new conviction when the moment allows you to do so, you’ll be suprised that there are actually people who are going through the same expirience, you will strengthen them, they will love you and then you’ll walk through that journey together happy and you never feel lonely again.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. TheBlackhairedGuy Post author

      That’s a fun analogy with the letters and numbers, I like it. There probably is some balance to be struck between simply trying to fit in while not being yourself, and being yourself with the confidence to be accepted (or not) as who you are. I could’ve completely misunderstood you too.

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      1. Sipho Melkisedek

        Haha English is not my language bro, and I hope you got my point, it is as you say “trying to fit in while not being yourself is draining a lot of your true you out of you, where being yourself with confidence to be accepted(or not)” does the opposite.

        Liked by 1 person

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